As women we have natural intuition and I strongly believe that with every encounter whether that’s a man or woman we know when that aura of that person is not right. The only time this doesn’t work is when our own aura is clouded. I can personally attest to this, as I have always been warned in advanced or at least felt uneasy when a man I eventually dated was no good for me. Oh but generally the ultimate no goods are some of the finest, most sexually appealing men that walk the face of the earth. I have personally seen one emerge from the water at the beach, he was Israeli he had long dark hair and he was chiseled to perfection. The worst part was the lust he carried in his eyes, as if his pregnant wife was not even a few feet away from him. JUST NO GOOD!!!
Now back to business, so let’s take a look at how this happens. We meet Mr… and for the sake of this series we will call him Jason. So you are enjoying a great day in the mall when you are approached by Jason, who has a body like The Rock with lips and a smile like LL Cool J. (You paint him your color of choice). Jason is a charmer and ladies he has dimples, you may even find yourself saying why did he approach me? He leaves after you exchange numbers, and you spend the rest of the day in la la land. Your self-esteem has been raised your stride is a little sexier than it was before, and you may even find yourself spending more money than you intended. I mean you do have to buy a dress for your first date because there will be a first date, you are sure of it.
Here’s a brief synopsis of the relationship. The first day was the only date where your clothes didn’t leave your body, and you confused this passion for love. It was your high, he was your drug. But that’s all he was good for- a temporary intensely climatic ending. He lacked the ability to mentally and socially stimulate you. He moved in with you, did not pay any bills in your home, and now you even find yourself paying his bills. He is never home, always has your car though his license is suspended, and never fixes anything on it or in it. So you argue constantly but he knows how to shut you up, he gets you high off his love and then that settles you back down for a while.
But one day you gain the strength to leave Jason alone. You pack his mess and send him back to his mom’s couch. You feel good you turn on some music and clean your house like never before. You feel good; you take a long bath and decide to go out with your girls for the night. You all have a good night, and of course they tell you how they never really liked him anyway. Funny stories are exchanged, smiles, tears, laughs, are all passed around. You exhale and prepare to go home for the night.
The house looks a lot emptier and even cold now, it’s dark and you don’t trip over the timb’s that are always in front of the door. You shower and prepare for bed but once you climb in it doesn’t feel the same. It’s bigger- yes, more space- yes, but it’s empty. Then it hits you Jason’s not coming home late it’s already 4am and the sun will be out shortly. You grab your phone and there are no missed calls from him. You see a text notification, and get excited, but it’s only your mom checking in on you. You try to shake it off and force yourself to sleep, and you don’t realize you did indeed get some rest until your alarm goes off.
It’s Monday morning now, and this Monday is just really trying for some reason. Your boss has managed to get on every nerve ending in your body. You pick up the phone to call Jason, but you remember it’s over; the mixed emotions begin to creep in because he was your confidante. It’s only been 2 days, and you begin to realize how much he consumed your life. And the answer to every upset: personally, professionally, mentally was Jason. You make it through the day and get home a lot earlier than normal. This is unfamiliar, you call your girls no one’s available, and your mom is not answering what’s next. The tears, because you realized that you broke up Saturday and he has made no attempt to contact you. He is not fighting for you after all you have done for him. So you pick up the phone to tell him or his voicemail- who ever will listen to just how furious you are.
NOW what happens if you froze in that moment and instead of calling him you picked up a notebook and wrote everything that you were feeling? Tears are ok to because they cleanse the soul. Then on the back of that same paper you write a list and you entitle it-The Reasons. You list every reason why you broke it off with him. Write down when you started to notice his shift in behavior, and you have to write this early in the break up because if you don’t, being alone will take over in a few days and you could find yourself in a state of relapse. Next you need to make a month long bucket list. Write a list of healthy and positive things you can do for 30 days straight and if working out is one of those things be sure to do that each of those 30 days. You also want to assign yourself an accountability partner, a GIRL friend you can call when it gets tough and they will come over and stay by your side. It will get tough trust me but you channel those thoughts on paper not on Jason. You also make time daily to deal with you, what got you to this point and attracted you to a man like this. You have to be aware of those things because if not the cycle will repeat and you will find yourself with another Jason. (Have you ever asked yourself why do I attract the same type of men)? It’s because though you have cleaned your house you still have remnants of Jason left on you, you have to wipe it all away. These next 30 days are critical to your develop you have to quickly assess what happened and occupy your time with healthy activities. That means no men, no self-pity parties, no drunken texts or phone calls, no Jason.
Jason will call to check on you or to “wish you the best” which will only ignite something in you. The feelings of getting “high” will come back to the forefront of your memory, and believe me it will do its best to cloud your judgment. Then you will wonder if he was really that bad, he did have a rough childhood right? This is when you pull out your Reasons list. Be strong because temporary pleasures can cause a lifetime of pain, more than physically but mentally as well. You do not want this break to make you bitter or cause you to build up a wall against men. Even though Jason was no good, you taught him how to treat you; we will talk about this at the conclusion of this series.
– Elle Harris