are you dateable

As women we carry a lot of weight on us. We have to be independent, dependent, financially sound, stable, submissive, outspoken, motivators, mothers, lovers, career women, nurturers, kind, pleasant, easy on the eye, sexy, fit, strong, polite- I could do this all day and we have to do this with a smile on our face. At least that’s what we are taught, so we spend lots of time trying to determine which of these traits we need to exert the most.

The problem is the trait many of us run to first is: independent. I have many theories as to why but I will only name two today. The first is because we believe we have to, we’ve seen our mothers do it and they carry it around like it’s a badge of honor. Literally, “look at me world I do everything alone!” Don’t get me wrong I feel being independent is a wonderful thing but there comes a time when being overly independent can compromise whether or not you are datable. I will go more into that later in the week; secondly we are independent because the media tells us we have to be. We listen to songs, and there are several of them, that talk about how much men love independent women and if you got your own and no man has helped you get it throw your hands up blah, blah, blah. I get it being an independent superwoman is awesome but not when you are so independent that the only valuable want in a man is to procreate.

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Men want to feel needed, they are problem solvers and if they cannot operate in this habitat they will migrate to the next. This refers only to GOOD men, because if he’s not a good man he could care less about how much you do to take care of him and your family. He actually wants you to be independent because that means you become his sponsor and life is smooth sailing for him. Now back to the good men, we all say that he’s so hard to find that’s true. He should find you!!! The key is being approachable and ready when he comes, here’s how:

The first thing is as a single woman you are only allowed about five off days a month. You should always be on point wherever you go. If you are going to the grocery store, gym, work, church, gas station, a friend’s house you should be dressed nice with combed hair. No quick runs with hoodies and head wraps unless it’s one of those five days. CHOOSE THOSE FIVE DAYS WISELY!!! You do not have to go grocery shopping in heels but at least be very presentable everywhere you go.

  • Be approachable, every man is not bad. Try something different the next time a guy tries to talk to you and he’s not your typical “type” try it out. It’s not like your “type” has worked before, try something new. I believe that when we continuously go after the same “type” we get the same results each time. For example, if you only talk to guys who are security guards at the club and they let you and your girls in every party for free, do you really think you are the only girl he’s doing that for? Nine times out of ten you’re not, and you are easily disposable to him he has a long list of woman waiting to move up on his top ten hit list, if you know what I mean.
  • Do you have baggage? Are you still bitter from any past relationships? I will give you homework to determine if you are. You cannot hold the next man responsible from the last mans mistakes. Example: When I wear a pair of heels that may hurt my feet I don’t stop wearing heels, I just choose to wear a different pair that may not be similar to the ones that hurt. The new heels may be a different brand, price, or size, but it does not stop me from wearing heels. Dating is the same way I would never negate the fact that you were hurt before, but wait until the wound has healed before you get back out there. Try a new type it’s okay you just may like him.
  • This will be my last one, this blog is getting lengthy- are you mean? As a woman we have the ability to tear down a man in a way that could crush his entire world. We speak words that are sharper then swords and it’s abusive. Emotional abuse is a lot worst then physical and that’s what we do every time we want a man to feel what we are feeling. We cut and we cut deep, at that exact moment we may not know just how detrimental our delivery is but one day we will feel the affects or another woman will, trust me.

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Once you have learned to balance your independence, become approachable, drop your baggage, and be nice you will be one step closer to him finding you. Once he finds you, you have to seal the deal I will talk to you about that tomorrow….

Homework:
Write down the name(s) of every man you have every dated seriously or have entered into a sexual relationship with. As you write this down, also next to their name write down what you feel as you write it whether that’s love, happiness, anger, lust, scared, etc.

Then answer these questions:
Am I overly independent and must I tell everyone that I pay my own bills?
Do I carry drama from one relationship to another? Is drama my security blanket, meaning does it help you not deal with you.
Am I a serial dater or do I give myself time to breathe?
Know your four. Write down your name, your mother, grandmother, and great grandmother. Then write if any of you have been divorced, are you single, married, or if there’s any repeated cycle of broken relationships with men.
Do you cut men with your words? If so write down the names of all those men and write them an apology letter. You do not have to give it to them but you have to begin to purge yourself of the pain.

– Elle Harris